Duality and a psychotic enlightenment

In 2011 I had the worst psychotic breakdown I have ever had, it lasted for about 5 months before I was eventually hospitalized. It was like a living nightmare, but within all the delusions and hallucinations was a belief in the healing power of philosophy. The idea that to know what good is, is to do good, if everyone was able to understand the principles of morality then everyone would act ethically. One of the most apparent delusions was that existence is split into those who have achieved immortality and those people that are just spirits.

The immortals were always on the side of good, but there were not many immortals in the world, it took a lot of philosophical knowledge and ability to become immortal. Those people that were just spirits, could be swayed between the good and the evil, with the evil wanting to end the whole of existence, for everything to return to nothing. The evil had a leader, just as I was the leader of the immortals, but the leader was always changing, sometimes it was my own father and sometimes Hitler was still hanging around and sometimes it was Rupert Murdoch. This idea of good and evil is quite common in psychotic episodes, but mine lased for so long and became so detailed. My experience is like a story, the narrative getting ever more detailed as new parts are added each day, as the leader of the immortals I was the first being created by God and so the story of my immortality last for the whole time of the universe, sometimes even previous universes.

Anyway, once in hospital, my first thought was that the ward was actually the waiting room to get into heaven, but this belief didn't last long and I was placed on the locked ward. There I started to collect my theories, I was now adding much less each day. but wanted to write what I had so far. So I got some plane paper and produced a forty page word map, it started with the Kantian notion of analytical and synthetic statements and finished with purpose joining everything together. I pinned each page onto the corkboard on my bedroom wall and then started writing the outcome, I wrote 10000 words as I wanted it to be my dissertation for my university studies, but I was very ill and the writing made little sense. However, when I had finished I realized something, that God could not act alone, that there must be more than one eternal state. Because the world we experience is what I called then, a dynamical relation, creation does not pass in a straight line, I moves back a forth between two extremes. A few years later I would write my dissertation again, this time the title was 'On the impossibility of the universal cause creating the individual object'. In order for existence to create each thing differently there has to be two eternal sources, I'm still working on the theory but the inspiration came at a time of great illness.