Grandiosity

I've had a few problems with the idea of worshipping Christ, mostly because of my own illusions of grandeur. During my psychotic episodes I think of myself as the creator of all existence, I was at the beginning of it all leading the way towards immortality. The idea that God had a son and that he walked the earth is not the way I think of God, I think of God as a kind of force and as a result worshipping Him, (or Her) is hard to do. In my episodes I was the force for good and everyone followed me, and in my current life I look to God to lead me.

Within my psychosis there is a message of spirituality and immortality and I believe we all have a spiritual alter-ego. My delusions had me believe that whilst I slept, my spiritual side was out saving the world, like a super hero, I was the immortal soul and he was the grand spirit. But I see some truth in these beliefs, for sure they were heightened and full of fake stories, now I get the feeling that I communicate with a lot of people whilst I sleep and maybe some of those vivid dreams have some sense of the spiritual.

The notion that Christ performed miracles is also hard to swallow, that he was some sort of magic man, using the power of God to subvert the laws of physics. For sure, if I saw someone cure the sick I would think of God, but why only have one son, why not always have a son on earth. There are many questions I would like to ask God and I think it's important that I do ask a higher power for guidance, but maybe he doesn't have the power to make everything perfect. I've reached God status in my delusions and it's hard to stay that way, there is so much creation and destruction in life, that having the power to make drastic changes is next to impossible. As long as we follow the natural progression I think the human race has a bright future.